How to get over a break up ?

How to get over a break up ?

A breakup is a small death very painful to live. But we can heal on condition of following the stages of this mourning to open up again to life and love. Tips and testimonials.

Our heart is breaking. Our efforts, whether healthy or not, have failed. We are demoted, rejected after giving the best of ourselves. The person we love most in the world denies us his love; it's a drama ".

For example, Marcel Bernier and Marie-Hélène Sicard describe the shock of separation in a recent book "La rupture amoureuse" (Eyrolles, 2017). It must be said that these two clinical psychologists have often helped the wounded of love to heal their wounds.

They confirm in any case the intensity of the emotions that can be felt: tears, sadness, anger, incomprehension, relief, regret, revolt, jealousy, despondency ... In the hours, the days that follow a rupture, our hearts go through all the colors of the rainbow.
What to do, what to say, how to relive ask the youngest ones who see for the first time extinguish a love story?

1.Let her tears flow, recognize her pain

The first step is very natural: it is good to let out tears, not to keep this tumultuous flow in oneself, to put words on your suffering and to recognize it.

Often, explain Marcel Bernier and Marie-Hélène Sicard in their book, one can be tempted to deny the pain to protect oneself. To flee in work, alcohol, drugs. But the pain will come back anyway and you may hurt even more.

It is true that suffering is not very trendy. Often, your entourage also strives to deny your grief with clumsy words: "Do not put yourself in such states, it was not worth it", "Get out, change your ideas" ...
And yet: "At the heart of the pain of love, the recognition of pain is an essential passage to get to mourn," say psychologists. Tears are life-saving, so cry and do not be afraid to say and express your sorrow!

2.Express all your emotions, entrust yourself

How to get over a break up ?
At the same time, do not lock yourself in your ivory tower. You will express all the better your emotions that you can share them to someone.
Try to find a friendly and discreet ear or else join a discussion forum, or call an anonymous wire like SOS Friendship ... We know less but marriage and family counselors can also receive young people and singles. If you are very bad and it lasts, do not hesitate to consult a psychologist ...

Talking to someone gradually helps to calm down. The sadness is still there, but it is less alive and less likely to suffocate you.

3.Stop the memories that go back in loop!

Talking to someone also helps to keep up the same questions indefinitely: "I did not know why he was leaving me, he did not blame me, I was asking myself so many questions but no answers".

To avoid repetition of these same questions, to escape the torture of memories, try to change your habits a little: if you can, eliminate objects that make you think of your ex, do not go back to places where you have lived things together, change your leisure time, place of relaxation, scenery, group of friends ...

4.Point of vigilance

However, avoid taking too important decisions and make irremediable choices as long as you are emotional. It is not in the storm that we can calmly make the point.

Do not change jobs, study courses, do not go on a trip to the other side of the world impulsively, but continue the course of your life and let the turmoil of your heart slowly subside. You can then open yourself to new paths.

It's over: look no further to reclaim your ex ...
How to get over a break up ?
One of the first steps in healing is therefore to admit the break ... and therefore to give up the pieces of the relationship. Nostalgia for good times lived together with the hope of or reclaiming it keeps you in trouble. You look back and forth, which does not help you move forward. If you have been left, you must also accept this great feeling of loss of control, even injustice that you feel.

"Realism is the first step to take, says Isabelle Nicolas, marriage counselor.It is in this phase that we mourn the couple we have formed.It must be abandoned, agree to change status for return to the concrete, the reality ".

So accept yourswe find alone, still single and without lovers. This is of course a little hard but it also gives you a freedom that you must know taste. Sometimes it is the lack of freedom that caused the break: "She was choking me, I was not ripe for a life of a couple, I wanted to enjoy my life as a single student," Johann acknowledges .

And besides, was your couple, your darling, so extraordinary? The return to reality is also an opportunity to take a step back. Have not you a little idealized? "Many young people think that he (she) was romantic, in love but without any real proof of their partner, the words having never been said openly", explains Isabelle Nicolas. It's time to take a more objective look at the one you liked and the relationship you had. This will make it easier for you to tell you it's over.

To get to know each other better, to gain emotional maturity
Rupture is an emotional injury that can sometimes awaken in some childhood wounds and old fears.

"People who have suffered (in their childhood) from the feeling of abandonment are the most affected by ruptures", explain Marcel Bernier and Marie-Hélène Simard. Those who have been mocked or humiliated and lack self-confidence may also feel very devalued by the breakdown or abandonment.

If the separations are repeated and you suffer a lot, this is an opportunity to reflect on your weaknesses, perhaps with the help of a psychologist. Incidentally, some also better understand their responsibility for breaking up. You can learn from your "failed" love experience: getting to know yourself better, understanding what you expect from love, what works and what you need to change.

In the end, you can come out more mature and better armed to achieve another love story!

5.Rediscover the joys of friendship

How to get over a break up ?
Then comes the time to heal, to open up again to life. We can rediscover the joys of friendship: take time for yourself, for your friends. Damien, 20, says, "This is the best way to move on, I go out with my friends, we go on a date with guys in bars or restaurants, sometimes we even play sports" .

"It is important to be surrounded, confirms Isabelle Nicolas, it is a process that allows us to realize that we can still have fun.This helps to find a motivation sometimes lost."

But friends do not just have fun or have fun. Friendship, if it is genuine and profound, is also a real place of relationship, trust, complicity, exchange and affection. Having projects (travel, action) with real friends allows you to rebuild carefully, before you start a new relationship. In friendship, you learn again to give and to receive, to discuss, to confide, to accept others as they are and even, to be faithful.

6.Start again to regain self-confidence

How to get over a break up ?
"Another essential step," explains Isabelle Nicolas, "is to regain your self-esteem, set yourself a new goal to achieve, which may concern your studies as a sport, an activity that proves that you can easily succeed without it. (him)".

And why this challenge? Simply because the emotional injury may have reached the image you have of yourself and your trust capital. "I'm bad", "I'm not good enough to be loved", "I'll never get to interest someone", etc.

To chase away these dark thoughts, rather than throwing yourself into the arms of the first coming, find an activity that helps you move forward, and that shows you are overflowing with untapped qualities. Caroline, 21, has changed everything about her lifestyle: "I had a rather difficult break with a boy I stayed with for a year, and when that's over, I realized that my life is now I did not like it, I left college and worked on the Science Po competition and was very proud of myself when I saw that I was taken in. I have no regrets. "

"She cut the bridges overnight and had not given me any news for four months," says Philippe, "during all this time I was hoping for an answer ... and then finally, I realized that it I was much better off not knowing anything about her, it allowed me to move forward, I got involved in my job, in other activities (sport, guitar, outing) and I even took over a little my math studies "...

Errors to avoid

- To recover at any cost: a "Kleenex relationship" will bring you nothing but a loss of self-esteem. On the contrary, "learn to respect yourself